I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
