dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
