I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
