You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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