You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
