I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
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I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
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I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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