its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
