I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
