I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
