When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
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