He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.