Ketchup is God's man juice
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
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Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
we're making bets on your personal life
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
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And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.