if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
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on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
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My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.