I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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