I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
