My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
