I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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