Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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