I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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