I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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