I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
