he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
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