I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
