so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
