Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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