you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
