I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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