The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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