Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
