Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
