this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
