Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
