Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
