I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
