I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
