Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
