Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
