Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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