12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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