ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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