i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Randomize
