whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Randomize
