take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
