One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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