Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
