god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
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