made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
it glows. i had to have it.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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