It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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