It was confusing and full of hummus
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
