allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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