if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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