Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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