I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
