Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
