I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
My liver just had a heart attack.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
