woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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