My nipple is on Facebook.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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