yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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