the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
