i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I need to stop coming to work sober
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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