Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You took a bar mat shot.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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